plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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