We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
