am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
