I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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