hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Everything about him screamed your future.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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