I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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