if you like me you must not know who I am
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
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I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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