She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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