is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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