So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
