had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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