apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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