So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
