How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We had sex on a dog bed..
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
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