Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
