Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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