I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
