Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
i out mim tonsoeep
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