My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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