Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I love you.
Bad choice
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