Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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