She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
