i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
