was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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