My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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