he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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