Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
