Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
