drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
