shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You need a sexual gate keeper
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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