Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
