I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
