Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
