how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
