In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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