I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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