Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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