Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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