So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
