you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
