I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
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these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
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I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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