Where did you get a picture of my penis
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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