never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
