Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
