12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm at about main and main street
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
