i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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