Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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