There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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