Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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