last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
