Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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