I wannas sexs uuuuu
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
