Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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