Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
