I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
