he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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