apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
now i know why i became what i already was.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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