Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Randomize
