If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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