Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
